Mental Moment-National Coming Out Day

Tomorrow is National Coming Out Day so I thought I’d write a blog consistent with that as it also coincides with another great article in last Sunday’s New York Times: Helping a Child to Come Out.

Coming out

From the article. Some people approach this particular square on the calendar with pride and courage, others with trepidation. Then there’s a third group, which gazes at the day with an uncomfortable blend of longing and impatience. These are parents who know, deep down inside, that a son or daughter is almost certainly gay, but hasn’t worked up the nerve to open up about it. And many of them want to scream, “Would you just come out, already?”

Whether the parents might embrace or reject a gay child, families naturally tend to avoid difficult subjects — and so a stalemate ensues, with many parents worrying that the act of concealment could be taking a psychic toll on their child.

Considering the growing support for gay rights, as well as the rise of openly gay public figures and sympathetic roles in television and movies, people might be forgiven for thinking that it’s no big deal to come out these days. But the process of announcing your sexual orientation to the world can still can be a minefield, said Ilan H. Meyer, a professor at the Williams Institute for Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy at the law school of the University of California, Los Angeles.

Consequences

From the article. “Coming out and coming to terms with being gay is easier now, but it’s a matter of degree and not a complete reversal of the world,” Professor Meyer said. He studies what he refers to as “minority stress” and its effect on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. Along with the fear of being rejected or attacked, he has said, such stresses include strain of concealing sexual orientation and inner fears of a second-class existence. “Gay kids do suffer consequences for being gay, and having to deal with social attitudes that are not accepting of them,” he said.

The strain of it all plays out in difficult and even risky ways, Ms. Kahn noted; studies suggest that gay teenagers have higher rates of suicide, depression and drug and alcohol abuse than their straight counterparts. The reasons, she explained, include the stress of being different and being spurned by friends and family. “It’s not like gay kids are wired to do any of that,” Ms. Kahn said. “It’s the sense of being stigmatized.”

Why should parents want their kids to come out

The Human Rights Campaign survey suggests an answer: as tough as it may be to be an openly gay child, it’s even harder to be closeted. Among those surveyed, 41 percent of those who are out to immediate family said they are “very happy” or “pretty happy,” while just 31 percent of those who said they had not revealed themselves could say the same. Forty percent of those children who are out at school said they were very happy or pretty happy, compared with 33 percent of the closeted kids.

Being a gay elite performer

Not being accepted and being stigmatized for being gay is only part of the picture. Yep these things sometimes come out in the form of suicide, depression and alcoholism but they also have lasting effects on confidence, self-esteem, identity, anxiety, development in life, education, relationships, sports, arts, writing, business, etc. Although being gay has become ‘more widely’ accepted it’s still not broadly accepted. It’s still not seen as the norm. Coming out has a huge impact on all life events even if your family is accepting on you. I’ve seen many clients who are very creative but were so stigmatized as children because they are gay that their creativity was stifled and they struggled to move beyond all those negative messages.

As a non-gay person what one positive thing can you do tomorrow to change the course of how you see, treat and talk to people who are gay? 

As a gay person what is one positive thing you can do tomorrow to be more comfortable with being gay? 

I came out when I was 16 (I am now 48). It was hard. It definitely negatively and drastically impacted my life but I am in a much healthier place now. I am here to help gay elite performers realize that you (too) can reach your potential.

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Dr. Michelle

Photo credit: gawker.com