Diary of a Cyclist-Decisions…Change

G: hey Michelle, how are you? Wow that was very perceptive. You are right. Yes there is one more person. My coach. In August she was away for 4 weeks, she has been my coach for 4 years. I decided out of frustration to hire another coach to help me with nationals. I needed someone to motorpace me and she was not around. This caused a LOT of tension. First that I did it and second that the guy is someone she is not that fond of. This all came about a bit out of the blue and turned into something BIG. It has eaten away at my head 24-7 ever since. I have not been this anxious in YEARS.

I think I was depressed for a couple of weeks too. WHY? This has made me be VERY introspective. I realized that I felt like this. The new guy who coached me, was amazing. Very hard, black and white…polish coach. Has brought many people to worlds, olympics etc. He is confident, can be negative, but I believe in his methods. D. my coach is great. She is VERY good mentally and supports me when I am crying for example! Or stressed or anxious. The issues I had over the past year were that she is very gossipy, has to run the show and it is her way or the highway, and I feel like I CAN NOT STAND UP TO HER….this is a pattern, you are right.

So, I started to think. Wow..maybe I will change coaches. Don’t get me wrong, M. the other coach is a hard ass!! He too would be hard to stand up to, but somehow maybe easier because there is less emotions with him. SO, since many hours of conversation with Denise, where she pretty much told me that if I did not coach with her our friendship would end ( which really screwed me up) we are very close. Her reasoning is “all we talk about is cycling and your training” which is a load of ****, we get along great, and that is all she talks to a lot of her friends about , it is what we do!!
She has me feeling like I am in a MAJOR relationship break up. I know. It is not normal. We obvoiusly were too close as coach athlete and she helped me through a lot. In all of this though I started to realized, maybe this is not a healthy relationship?

Since then I have told her how I feel, and I WAS HONEST and stood up for my feelings. She was okay with it, I felt better, but still felt like if I stayed with her I will always be so under her control. I feel like what I am learning through this is that I think..THINK..I need to make the decision to leave her for BIG reasons such as “In my life I make decisions to make sure others are not hurt, not to do what is right for me” She is very hurt and defensive. She is angry. She will not take me back if this other situation does not work out. I am dissappointed that she can not be professional about this. IT IS HER JOB.

I am also realizing that I CAN NOT CONTROL how she feels. If she does not want to be a friend to me anymore and want me as one, as much as that REALLY HURTS ME..I can not control it. I feel it is a bit of a control over me?
If I leave her for another coach, I am afraid to lose the moral support. But maybe I need to find more of that from within?
I have been VERY anxious and feel that making the decision either way will help my confidence back. I have been slow and poor at making decisions for a while. I feel a bit of lack of self esteem right now.

Husband and I are great! I spoke up once in an arguement. It got heated and I told him after that I did it on purpose, spoke my mind. He felt bad that it pissed him off and said to continue doing it and he did not want me to not do it just because it may cause tension. He is great. I will continue to try to do this at home.

With my dad…whole other world.

Thank you SO MUCH…you make me see my life in a different light. You have no idea how useful you have been so far!

M: Excellent job!

Wow that conversation with your husband must have been very free-ing!

You sound just GREAT and it sounds like things are going pretty great too. You have a difficult decision to make but it sounds like you have the answers!

Finding the answers takes a little awareness sometimes and it doesn’t mean you’ll always do the right thing but at least now you have a better idea of what the right thing is!

I am very happy & proud for you!

Good luck and keep me updated on how you are doing!

Have a great weekend!

Dr. Michelle

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