Diary of a Cyclist-Feeling Out of Control

G: hey Michelle, well, this is getting interesting. I guess when I feel out of control of something I get a bit anxious, having said that I don’t see myself as a control freak at all. I typically don’t need to organize the plans or have to do certain things at certain times and I am not judgmental and don’t like to control others on a personal level.

Maybe when people are tense and seem angry I feel like I shrink and don’t have the guts to speak up, IN FEAR OF causing more tension or starting arguements. I don’t like to cause tension. I think this may be a problem. I am too concerned about other’s feelings when really I need to learn to let my own out as well.

For example I am driving with my husband this morning and I know he is tense. He gets tense when the house is messy. I am not the neatest….he is VERY ORGANIZED and I am not. I said what is bothering you. He went on to say that I leave a trail of myself everywhere and he just wishes I would put things where they belong and be tidier. THis is our ONLY issue. He is Martha neat..I am just tidy. We visit it all the time. SO i am in the car listening, feeling my face get a bit turned around…thinking…”God I am sick of hearing this” but not saying anything because he has a point. But to me I feel like it is a parent…”clean your room”. Anyhow..my point is, I didn’t say much. I didn’t know what to say but was aware I was saying nothing. I didn’t want to cause a fight. This is a good example of how I don’t speak up.

I almost cried…but I didn’t…why did I almost cry? I felt like I was getting in trouble? I guess? For being messy..which I tend to be. If I said anything it would have had to be…I will try harder, but I didn’t feel like it, I feel like I clean and tidy all the time, just not to his standards of clean for him.

I let it pass. No tears. How else can I communicate? I am not sure? What if I spoke up, I would have sounded grumpy…or irritated..I know it. THat is making it worse?

I know, that is not my control, so I guess I can control not starting a fight? With anyone…really. He is the only one I argue with, or my dad. OR sister..but I don’t pick that battle..I just let it slide off of me.

It’s hard..it’s the only way I know. I am to nice or too….soft..something. Not good.

Yes I feel guilty enough. And guilty that I spend so much time training if I don’t perform well. This one I need to think about more.Gulty is not really the word, it is more…mad at myself for not being better. I guess that is harsh eh? Just noticed it.

So much to learn….

M: your thoughts seem good. How do they feel?

Let me plant a thought in you about the senario with your husband: firstly, fights or disagreements are not necessarily bad for many reasons (what is your thought about that?). Second, things don’t have to be black or white. Instead of your house being totally tidy or totally a mess there are a lot of things in between and it does seem important (on many levels) that you think about having that conversation with your husband (and your Dad & with your cycling). Thirdly, just as your husband has the right to his ‘needs’ you have the right to yours.

Can you think of any situations in your life where you do stand up for what you believe regardless of the outcome?

Is there another person in your life who is seemingly ‘in control’ of some part of your life but you are able to stand up for yourself?

What are the pro’s and con’s of taking some control in your life? It seems like it’s the difference between taking care of you and everyone else. What is so scary about taking care of your needs?

Again it sounds to me that your cycling, your Dad, & your husband are very similar situations: you don’t feel good enough or heard or aren’t feeling in control enough to be comfortable and it makes you sad (or angry). It also sounds like you may feel a bit guilty on all accounts for not giving your best effort (whatever that means for you; when I am talking about giving your best what I mean is the ability to speak up, step up or take the control you want which sounds particularly true for your cycling).

Does it sound feasible that your crying is another way to communicate what you are afraid to say or do?

You are continuing to do a fantastic job of searching for some balance. Keep going 🙂

Have a great weekend!

Dr.Michelle

Photo credit: François Hogue