Diary of a Cyclist-Control
Hey Michelle, well once again you manage to bring me to tears! You obviously hit some buttons every time you respond. So many things you say are right and true.
I am not sure when in my life I became so scared to stand up for what feels right for me, but apparently I have an issue with this. From staying in one too many ****py relationships to worrying about other’s thoughts….I need to stop.
My marriage is awesome, this is the first guy I ever met that just loves me for me…and my quirks and I for his. We just “get” each other. And respect each other. He supports me so much in cycling. He is my biggest fan. I am very lucky for that or I may have stopped out of feeling embarassed about my dreams.
Why do I want to be a professional cyclist. You asked me last time and I had to think about it. Well, I think part of it has to do with something besides cycling. I believe that i often have started things and never gone all the way. I feel like for once in my life, I want to committ 100% to something and see it through. Cycling happens to be the means to that. I LOVE training. I sometimes go “why do I do this? It is so consuming” But there is “something” about pushing myself to hard…so hard, that really really motivates me. It’s like I love to see myself getting better. I have never been GREAT at a lot of things. I have never been focused enough or dedicated enough, except to school. ALthough always in sports, not like this. I was on the varsity wrestling team and did very well however I stopped…because other things in my life went wrong. A bad situation (guy) got in the way. This time…life is good and I think I should stick this out. I just need to maybe change my idea of success.
Afraid to fail. You got it. Of course I am. If I can somehow teach myself to truly believe that by giving 100% and being as dedicated to racing and training as I can that is success, that would be good. I have a urge to be the best..and that is not good for my head. I need to be happy with “my best” whatever that may be. Success to me is being better every year. That I can say is true. I was happy last year that I raced some of the hardest races on the circuit. I felt awesome about it.
I get down when I know I should have given more in a certain situation or I held back when attacking like my “gut” told me to…would have paid off.
Back to being hard on myself.
SO, what really irks me I guess is being proud to be a full time athlete rather than embarassed. I guess it’s because I figure people think I have fun all day and just workout like the lay person in the gym. No on understands what I do except other cyclists. That I ride 50 hours a month at times of intense training so that I can be in peak form for race season. I don’t tell people that, there is no need. So I feel they don’t get it and think I am “lucky” to have no job. But to me…it is SO HARD! Mentally, physically…emotionally, it is harder than me working a job!
Oh, maybe the more I write the more I will see clearly.
I need to tell my parents I am racing full time this season. I am afraid of the reaction. The embarassment. They are all about me “making money”. I want them to be proud of me. But i CAN NOT CONTROL that as you said.
You are right. I can control me and my thoughts. I need to really start listening to that.
I love racing, I love training. I love my bike. I love putting on a new team kit and racing for a team. It’s just cool too! It feels awesome. I want someone on a big team to call me next season because I am performing so well. I believe that i can do it if I stop letting all the other **** seep into my head and give me excuses to fail so I can say I can’t make it. You were right about that too.
Oh…where to start in this head of mine.
Last year ,a good friend was asked to race for T-Mobile. One of the best cycling teams in the world. She was not sure she wanted to go to Europe and race 8 months. We went for a ride to talk. I said to her “Amy, when you first started, what did you dream of? Racing for a team like T-Mobile I bet? And now you are here. You have to do this. You don’t want to say ” I wish I had….” You go out there and race the world cup series and be in there with the best in the world..because you are one of them.”
I know I would tell my friend to follow her heart, and her dreams, even if she did not understand why. At least try it and if it is not for you, then come home and know you tried.
So, I guess I try and I see and I have no regrets?
Always a learning experience, thanks again.
[end]Happy Saturday!
Dr. Michelle
Photo credit: berkeleydailyplanet.com
