Diary of Cyclist-What I Want

M: I agree that for you making the decision was the hard part. Now you have to deal with the transition of the change but that’s good. We all have to deal with what happens in transition but that is where we really get an opportunity to grow and learn. And you get to realize that although your new coach is going to be different you don’t need to stay stuck with the situation you were in. You’ve empowered yourself to move forward and go for what you need and deserve. Sometimes we just outgrow the people we work with and that is not personal.

So maybe this coach isn’t perfect either and maybe this won’t be someone you will stay with forever either but for now it sounds like a better decision, right? And if/when the time comes to change coaches again you will have the tools to better be able to do that.

And it is so unfortunately that D. could not be your friend but that was her decision albeit painful for you now you have an opportunity to make a true friend who can help support you in your cycling and other endeavors if that is something you want.

Let me tell you a little story…after 10 years of coaching triathletes and training for triathlons I too wondered what it’s all about. Being over 40 I began to realize that I was missing out on so much life because of the coaching and training…what am I bringing into the world or doing with my life? It sounds similar to what you are going through. For me NOW it’s realistic to be thinking this way because I am over 40 and there is a lot of life to live. I could have had an opportunity to go pro but just didn’t take it for numerous reasons mainly out of fear. In some respects I do regret that and so now I kind of need to let go of the hopes and dreams that were realized too late.

I don’t know how old you are but don’t wait until your over 40 to realize your fears have held you stiffly cemented in doubts and other activities which doesn’t allow you to realize your potential. This sounds like a good time to look at your life and the goals for your life and figure out where you want to go in all aspects of that life. So what is it all about and does it make any sense? Only you can answer that but don’t wait until it is too late to answer that because your choices are limited. Face your fears as you keep moving forward!

Is being a pro important and if so why?

G: Wow, I am not sure why but I was in tears by the end of your email. Interesting. It was when I read the part about how you did not become a professional because of fear. And wondering what you were doing wtih your life.
I have been racing for 3 years. I am 31. It’s now or never. I am VERY confused about it.
My husband is my biggest fan, I have 2 friends who really believe and support me too. I am the one who is afraid. I guess of committing all of my time and effort and maybe not getting good enough. Would I be embarassed? Maybe I feel ashamed that I don’t work except writing newsletters and a few clients for nutrition here and there.
A big part of my issue is that my parents would not understand. They know I race but if I said I was not working (they think I work more than I do) they would not understand. As soon as I finished school it was like “so what are you doing to make money.”
It is interesting that this is making me very upset writing this now.
I have this BIG struggle with this and I don’t really know what it is.
Sometimes I believe in me, a lot of it is being embarassed to say I am a full time athlete to people. I wish I understood why.
Deep down, I think I know I can do it. What I just wrote may be my struggle.
I know in 3-4 years or who knows, maybe before, I will come to a point where I will not want to race. M. always tells me to have no regrets, go for it, he is so supportive.
I guess things like this cause the embarassment: People out there who work and race are just as good as I am and I think…i barely work and they are still that good.
Maybe I have my focus on the wrong things here. I obviously am very focused on what others are thinking. Not sure how to change that.
I love training. I love racing. It is what others think that is my issue here and the WHAT IF’s.
I want to know I went for it. I want to learn how to be OKAY with maybe the idea that I go full time and I am not the BEST out there, or maybe I am. I need to figure out how to be okay with what level I get to, whatever that is.

Man, why is life so strange. Sometimes I wish my parents would just be so into it. I see other parents SO supportive of sport, I feel like mine, mostly my dad, my mom says little, but would also think “she needs to work” I feel like mine would be embarassed maybe to say what I do. I want them to be proud.

I know once my dad was when he saw me race. And this summer I emailed him at a 7 day race and he was really into it. Maybe if he saw it more, I dont’ know.
The whole time I write this I do know I am very sad. Very sad. i wish I really knew why.

I want to be congruent with my gut feelings in my life, but I guess I am too worried about the wrong things here and need to learn how not to be.
You are so helpful to me.
What you say is amazing. I have never met someone that says things that make me think so much about my life. You have really helped me a lot.

The coach thing, yes, who knows about it long term. I know he knows his training, but he like the rest…is gossip person. I am trying hard to be less into those conversations and be more positive when talking. I believe that I will find a friend who really cares. I get sad that Denise has just cut me off. It is VERY hard for me to understand how someone can do that. Like i am a switch..with no feelings. I guess that is how she deals with hers…cut me right out.
I will be nice to her when I see her. I don’t like games. I would hope someday she realizes that I am a good friend, and that I didn’t do anything to hurt her on purpose.

Happy Saturday!

Dr. Michelle

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