“Beating yourself up” is the terminology that so many clients are using these days. I hear them say it about themselves – I beat myself up when I make a mistake or I lose a point or I don’t win. Or others are telling their friends – stop beating yourself up. It’s interesting because I hardly ever remember hearing this kind of language back in the day and in fact, hardly anyone ever ‘beat themselves up’. They may have beaten someone else up but generally not themselves.

However, it appears to be very popular today. Some of you consciously know that you are beating yourself up and others do it somewhat unconsciously. But it’s time to admit it and be aware that we aren’t always so nice to ourselves – negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, etc.

Beating yourself up can literally beat you out of a win.

Beating up someone else

If you came home and said to those in your household, I beat someone up today, what would the reaction be? Shock! Beating someone up is a pretty serious matter and in fact, you can go to jail for something like this. It’s violent. It’s harsh.

Why beat someone else up? If they were being mean or physically violent to you that might stir up anger and for some they feel like their only defense against it is physical violence.

How else can you deal with someone who’s mean or physically violent? Let it go. Walk away. Refocus your energy on something else. Talk it through. All easier said than done but much better than violence.

Beating yourself up

When clients say this, it makes sense but it’s an interesting use of language. To a certain degree what they are saying is true – they are hard, negative, and harsh on themselves. But why are they so hard on themselves? Can any mistake or loss be that horrible?

Why might you beat yourself up? In the case of performance, mistakes or losses are typically the reason. It wouldn’t be because you are mean or physically violent to yourself, but it may be because you are angry with yourself.

How else can you deal with your anger? Walk away. Refocus. Talk through what happened with someone else (coach, parent or friend) and reflect on your experience – what went well, what was challenging, and what do I need to work on the next time. Again, easier said than done but so much better and doable.

Why are we so hard on ourselves

We live in the age of perfectionism. One mistake, error or loss is a knock to your ego and identity. You become ‘less than’ or so you think. The problem is that one ‘less than’ becomes another, becomes another, until you don’t really know who you are or why you are doing what you are doing.

Performance declines and you don’t know how to find your way back.

If you continue to come from this place – beating yourself up for every mistake and loss, you’re coming from a fixed mindset and will never be good enough or able to enjoy what you are doing.

What’s another way to deal with mistakes or losses

The fact is, mistakes or losing is an opportunity for growth. You have the ability to grow when you are able to realize that you don’t know every single thing there is to know about what you doing. This is a good thing because now, you get the opportunity to continue to learn and grow. You’ll have one of the basic keys to understanding life. There is no such thing as perfectionism. As a matter of fact, you really don’t want to be perfect because then there’s nothing left for you to learn and life would be boring.

Develop the appropriate mental skills

Honestly, much of this comes down to developing a different perspective and some proper mental skills. If you are currently beating yourself up, it’s probably because you don’t have a better way to deal with mistakes and losing, or the anger and frustration that follows.

Underneath the mistakes and losing, you could be dealing with nerves, learning how to better focus and building confidence. Right now, you don’t have the skills to rewire or rethink the situation but you can develop these skills.

There are always solutions to challenging situations. Beating yourself up is one of those challenging situations that needs a better solution before it gets out of control.

DEVELOP A MENTAL GAME PLAN. Be aware of what you are doing to yourself and take action to change it:

1. Silence the negative self-talk. Remember – you are the only YOU you have! Tell yourself in a positive way every day, every moment to “be awesome.”
2. Get up every day and set out with the best intentions to do the best you can.
3. Stop being mean to yourself and practice being kind to yourself. Know that there’s enough harshness in the world from other people, so don’t do this to yourself.
4. Reflect on your mistakes, learn from them and move on. What really went wrong? What went well? And what do you want to change moving forward?
5. Practice. Practice. Practice. It can take time to refocus and correct. Be patient and be good to you on this journey.

Instead of having a fixed mindset, allow your mind to grow, to be more open and creative, to be positive. Then, you can hit your peak performance and be your best.