Paula Derrow wrote a touching article in the NY Times last week about one woman’s experience of being overweight and dating. Entitled What a Scale Can’t Measure the article talks about this woman’s experiences dating and what she’s secretly hoped for in a relationship; which were two completely different things.

Dating a man who is larger than you are

The woman in this article meets a man online who she likes. They decide to meet. Before the meeting he discloses that he is overweight. They met, they liked each, they had sex, and they dated…for awhile…until he started to get sick and gloomy and their relationship became about those things rather than about them and their relationship. I resented how his body had become a barrier between us, though not in the way I had expected. He didn’t ride a bike, couldn’t play a casual game of tennis, wouldn’t go for a spontaneous jaunt in the heat of a summer day. I’d never call myself sporty, but I longed for some physicality between us, something more than talk (What a Scale Can’t Measure).

And finally he ended the relationship. I KNEW about fear. It had stopped me from dating before, sometimes for years. I liked to blame my extra weight for those dry spells. But this time I saw his fear so clearly that I couldn’t help but see my own. “I just can’t do this,” he’d said, and he was right. The weight of his fear had come between us. I didn’t want that to happen to me  (What a Scale Can’t Measure).

How does dating effect any of us

I get it. I was once fat. It’s scary to think that people don’t like you and there is always fear around what people think of you when you do interact with them; dating or not. I remember settling and taking what I could get because I was afraid there was nothing else; nothing better. Then I came to a realization. Everyone cares whether or not people them. Whether you feel you are short, fat, unintelligent, goofy, etc. we all care what people think about us but I think that is the bottom line. Not only are overweight people effected by other people’s fear, humanity, health issues, etc. we are all effected by our fears and anxieties although at different levels. Everyone’s situation is going to be different and feel different. If we compare a woman who is 5’9, 120 pounds, blonde hair and blue eyes to a woman who is 5’9, 180 pounds, brown hair and green house you may think that dating for the former is never a problem but it is. They experience fear and challenges around dating too. It’s perception.

Dating is scary

There are a lot of reason that dating is scary but as in What a Scale Can’t Measure weight doesn’t have to be any more of an issue as height, hair color or eye color. Fat people have a perception that fat people don’t deserved to be loved but they do and they are.

Don’t let fear of your weight keep you from reaching out and sharing yourself. If you do, you are limiting yourself and your potential for happiness because you never know where you might find that happiness.

If you do struggle with fear of acceptance because of your weight there are probably other ‘fear’ issues associated with it. Take a look at what those are and see if you can come to resolution around those.

Life is short

Find a way to work through the fear of your weight which is also the fear of being accepted, the fear of being rejected, the fear of having sex, the fear of being close to another person, etc. (the list goes on) and you’ll work through some of the ‘real’ fears behind your weight that are holding you back in dating and probably in life. Some people are overweight to protect themselves from these emotions and from relationships.

You want to be happy right? You don’t have to settle and you don’t have to be in a relationship that is not about the relationship between you and that other person. The New Year is coming.  Resolve to work through your fears so you can get out there and start dating.