Resilience can be a game changer in so many aspects of our lives. You want it to show up. You need it to be there for you for those unexpected situations. Resilience is a skill. It is a mental skill that takes mind power.

Kids are not born with mental skills. At a young age, kids figure out how to deal with their environment based on what’s in it. Some kids use food, some throw things, and some cry. Kids also learn how to deal with situations based on how they see parents and coaches deal with situations. Many of these coping techniques are unconscious and won’t work as kids get older. So they must learn to develop the right mental skills for the right environment and one of those skills is resiliency.

“What recent research has shown is that under the right circumstances, the power of brain plasticity can help adults minds grow. Although certain brain machinery tends to decline with age, there are steps people can take to tap into plasticity and reinvigorate that machinery” (Merzenich, M. (2013) Soft-Wired: How the New Science of Brain Plasticity Can Change Your Life).

What is resilience

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from a challenging situation. When challenging situations happen your brain wants to sort through and figure out what to do about it right then and there. The problem is, the rumination that accompanies this cycle can pull you into thoughts that are not productive and away from what you are currently doing. For example, you are playing a tennis match and double fault. Your brain wants to immediately reprimand, understand and fix it but while you are in ‘thinking mode’ the tennis match goes on – without you. You can’t think and play a tennis match. However, if you develop the skill of resilience, you learn to let go, reset and refocus on the match. Learning to be resilient is like learning to serve – you have to develop the muscle.

Why do we lack resilience

Some of the top reasons lack of resilience happens is when you:

• Try to control what’s not in your control. Not everything is in your control and once you realize that you are better able to let go of those situations and people.
• Take on too many lofty unrealistic goals. If you are going to have goals, they should be realistic. Unrealistic (stretch) goals set you up for frustration and failure.
• Focus on the outcome versus the process. You can’t get the ending you want unless you stay focused on the process.

But remember, another top reason for lack of resilience is because you never learned how to be resilient.

WORK CASE STUDY – LOFTY GOALS
Megan, a 35-year-old manager, would set unattainable goals. Her timeframe was always unrealistic. Megan would say – ‘get it done’ without knowing when or how. Her employees started taking shortcuts (cheating and lying) to get things done. They’d make mistakes. Megan would yell and write them up for failure to meet expectations.

The most optimal way to approach and handle goals is to:

1. Set long term goals
2. Break down into middle term goals
3. Break down into short term goals – monthly/weekly
4. Share goals with people you work with – get input/feedback
5. Goals are made to be adjustable. We’re human.

SPORT CASE STUDY – OUTCOME ORIENTATION
Sara, a 29-year-old coach wanted to win/succeed at all cost. How her athletes won was of no consequence. All that was important was that they got it done. Playing time was tied solely to winning. Sara would talk about how winning is everything. It was the only way her players would get college scholarships or go pro.

1. Define success with other success indicators, like improvement, not the outcome
2. Define the process for yourself and your players
3. Stay focused and discuss goals based on the process
4. Affirm athletes who are working in the process, and not too focused on just the outcome

The impact of lack of resilience

• Stress
• Anger & frustration
• Disappointment
• Feelings of failure
• Decreased confidence

How can you become more resilient?

1. Develop mindfulness. Practice being more present. I use the meditation app Simply Being with my clients. It’s been incredibly helpful in developing mindfulness and dealing with stress.
2. Change the ability to understand what’s in your control. Not only do you need to know what’s in your control, but you need to know what’s partially and fully in your control. This will help you know how to move forward.
3. Learn to refocus. Practice bringing your focus back to whatever you are doing.
4. Be patient. This will take time to develop. Start by working on developing mindfulness and then add in the ability to understand what’s in your control.

Once you’ve mastered these you can work on refocusing and refocusing more quickly.

We have the ability to learn, grow and change. The first step is being conscious of what’s not working and then you can develop the skills necessary to be more effective. Resilience is not just a skill that other people can have. It’s a skill we can all learn to develop and utilize to perform at our best at work and in sports.