Here’s an email that came in this morning from a coach I collaborate with and support who was struggling with a parent scenario:

“Parents who cannot see the good in their child’s tennis and are always putting them down for not doing enough. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I have shown these parents a video of their behavior and they still will not say they are hurting the child. They are not happy. One of the children is burnt out and the other two are good players but they do not have any confidence because they can never make their dad happy”.

This is a very sad situation. This is not the first of these kinds of emails I’ve received, and it won’t be the last, but it does seem like there’s an increasing amount of them more recently. Why is that and how can coaches best deal with this? I responded with some recommendations.

What can a coach do?

As a coach, there are some things you can do but much of this is out of your control. Believe me because I am in a very similar situation. When I work with kids, I also work with parents. That’s my job but unfortunately, I am not also ‘working with the parent.’

Much of the work I do filters down from kids (sometimes) to their parents. I work with every child to be autonomous. We figure out what they need and then role play having conversations with their parents (and coaches). Sometimes that happens and sometimes it doesn’t for a variety of reasons. Regardless, I usually have communication with the parent(s) even if it’s just me reaching out to find out how their child is doing. Some parents will ask for support and are very receptive while others are not.

Here are some techniques that have created great results and you can certainly do them also:

1. Treat the kids in the best, most supportive way. For me this starts at the onset from my free consultation and all the way through. This cannot stop. It needs to be consistent.
2. Model the behaviors you’d like kids and parents to take on. Again, this must be consistent and needs to start from the beginning. This occurs in person, phone, Skype, texts, and email.
3. Offer parent clinics. Parents don’t know what they should be doing until somebody tells them. And you can’t just tell them they need to change because they won’t know how or what to replace what they are currently doing.
4. Set boundaries with parents. Have a contract that they sign. Institute it now. Hold them to it.
5. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

What is happening for parents?

I often say that parents are doing the best they can, and I truly believe that. Some parents act the way they do because they think they are doing the right thing. Others don’t know what else to do other than what they are doing. Then there are some who don’t care. Honestly.

I’ve worked with kids who were developing a solid mental game plan but because it wasn’t supported by their parents, they struggled to implement the plan and hold on, but couldn’t. The system must be willing to change for change to happen. When one person in a family changes, it changes everything. This might sound odd but when this happens, it throws everything off balance. If others in the family system don’t have the tools they need to grow with the change one child is making, it is very difficult and most likely, won’t happen.

As a coach, you do the best of your ability. Be a positive role model, give as much information to parents as you can, educate them, set boundaries, and communicate consistently.